my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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