My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
