I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
