apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
