gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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