so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
