the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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