I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
