Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
