Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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