If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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