just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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