Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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