I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
