oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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