He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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