Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
