My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
