I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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