remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
