Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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