Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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