you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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