Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
