Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
