Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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