dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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