and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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