I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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