Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
3pm strippers are depressing
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
