Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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