sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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