Your face is a jimmy john
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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