she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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