Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
