I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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