I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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