At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
