Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
