my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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