There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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