sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
