U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
