I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
