I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
