I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
