Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm getting married
To pizza
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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