im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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