He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
