I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
