...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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