she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
