every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
