that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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