That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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