He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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