I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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